Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
