I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
