sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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