In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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