In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
