Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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