I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
