dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
