i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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