Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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