I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I want her autograph on my taint
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
