so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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