why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
