Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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