the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
