he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
