Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
