R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
