so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
