dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
