I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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