My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sorry about my life...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
