there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
