Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
