it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
