if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do herpes really smell.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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