Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
