I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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