We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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