Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So squirting runs in the family.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
