you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
