Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
