i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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