I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
