Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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