At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
