you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
