I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
