can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
