his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize