if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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