I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
