Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
