So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
