cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
