I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
