I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
