It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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