Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
sarcasm needs its own font
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
