So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
