Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
