I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
