i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
