I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
