is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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