gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
