Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
