I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
